Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ten Reasons I Think Pregnancy Is Horrifying

1. Something is growing inside you, consuming your resources, and dumping its wastes into your body.  Tapeworms do this too.  Zygote/Embryo/Fetus = PARASITE.

2.  Constipation.  I've heard pregnant women get constipated quite often.  That must suck balls.

3.  Losing track of your own dimensions.  I imagine walking around with a pregnant belly would be like trying to back into a parking space in someone else's car.  Awkward at best, tragic at worst.

4.  Tests.  Lots of tests.  Blood tests, pelvic exams, urine tests, sonograms.  Tests, tests, tests.

5.  Random strangers touching your belly.  No thanks.  I'd kick anyone who tried to touch me without my permission.

6.  Edema.  Pregnant women swell up all over the place, not just in the belly.  No.  Discomfort is not how I roll.

7.  Peeing all the fucking time, due to hormones, increased blood volume, and a parasite pushing on your bladder.  Who thinks that sounds like fun?  Anyone?  Didn't think so.

8.  All the shit that can go wrong.  Pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, hemorrhaging.  Many other complications and dangers exist, but I thought I'd share my top three.

9.  Not being able to sleep in normal positions.  I would be a grouchy bitch all the fucking time.

10.  Last, but certainly not least, at the end of the pregnancy, you squirt a wrinkled, helpless, incontinent, squalling little being out of your vagina.  Unlike light bulbs, you can not unscrew a pregnant woman.  The resulting kid is what is the most horrifying thing of all.

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